Honestly, the anxiety is so bad at the moment, that sometimes I am surprised I wake up in the morning. That sounds ridiculous, or looks ridiculous. Whatever. I see that its stupid, but I cant control it.
I just looked at pictures of my mother's wedding. There are only a few of me. Thank fuck for that. After looking at those pictures I have never despised myself more. I avoided pictures of myself with my mother on her wedding day because I just cant stand to look at myself. There will never be any real proof that I shared that day with her, because I am ashamed of myself. Of how I look and who I am. And the pressure that comes with ever changing how I look, or being someone better... is overwhelming.
A friend's son has leukemia, and the more I hear, the less I cope. I cant imagine how she is coping, let alone what the situation and the disease are doing to him. And I am scared for them. And sad. I am being positive - but the world as I know it will change if he isnt okay at the end of all this.
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