Just Breathe

Honestly, the anxiety is so bad at the moment, that sometimes I am surprised I wake up in the morning. That sounds ridiculous, or looks ridiculous. Whatever. I see that its stupid, but I cant control it.

I just looked at pictures of my mother's wedding. There are only a few of me. Thank fuck for that. After looking at those pictures I have never despised myself more. I avoided pictures of myself with my mother on her wedding day because I just cant stand to look at myself. There will never be any real proof that I shared that day with her, because I am ashamed of myself. Of how I look and who I am. And the pressure that comes with ever changing how I look, or being someone better... is overwhelming.

A friend's son has leukemia, and the more I hear, the less I cope. I cant imagine how she is coping, let alone what the situation and the disease are doing to him. And I am scared for them. And sad. I am being positive - but the world as I know it will change if he isnt okay at the end of all this.

Doctors visit

Went into town today because I had to take the girl child to to doctors. She has had this pain in her side on and off for months now, every now and then she will let me know she is hurting, and sometimes it goes on for days, then we dont hear anything about it for a week. Anyway, she has complained a couple times now and I have given her panadol a couple days running, so I figured it was time we look into it.

I have mentioned it to the dr before but today we had to see a different doctor - seems hard to see the same dr twice in this town. We have to monitor her pain over the next fortnight, and if there are more than 5 days where she mentions pain, she has to have an abdominal ultrasound. He said these aches and pains are common in kids around this age and that sometimes it is just a stress reaction. And I instantly felt like a terrible mother. Fuck knows there has been stress around here this last year or so, so maybe thats it. But I still dont want to think that my little girl is stressed. At 7 years of age. She is far too young to be stressed.

So I am going to go play a game of uno with my girl, and hope that she is better soon. I wish I knew all the answers, but in the meantime, just gotta bluff my way through and pray I dont screw them up!

FUUUUCCCCKKKKKK

I am a fuck up of the highest order sometimes... dont know how I continue to breathe!

*insert witty title here*

Should I be worried that I am actually glad the weekend is over? I promise to be more entertaining next week. Promise! xxx

Learning curve

Feels like it has been such a long week. Scratch that, I think its been a long year.

I had a little rant about P&C crap the other day, and for anyone who may be reading - that problem has been dealt with. There is only so long you can allow someone to talk down to you before you snap. The person filling the role of President was doing my fucking head in, with her lack of morals, condescending attitude and general bad conduct. I think in accepting, let alone begging for, a role on a public community committee, you are making yourself accountable for your actions. And I dont think that woman had ever been made accountable for her actions. I will admit, I felt pressure from every corner on this one, other people and members wanted to know why she was not fulfilling her duties, but in all honesty, the majority of the stress in that situation was bought on by myself. This person had allowed me to believe that they knew what they were doing and had done some great things in the years before. So I backed her, and now I feel like a dickhead.

I always thought i was a pretty good judge of character. Always took people at face value and knew that everyone, no matter what their past or their crime, deserved a second chance. I think this is because I am very much aware that I have not always made the best decisions myself. There are lots of things in my past that I am not proud of. And especially since I have become a mother, I have tried to change my behaviour in the hope that I can be a better person. I have allowed people, for far too long, to manipulate me, and mistreat me, under the mad ideology that they were my friend/family. If I had a dollar for every time I had said 'yeh but maybe they dont realise that it comes across that way' I would be a millionaire. Either way, this person made me realise that I am tougher than that.

By wednesday last week I had enough and confronted the person. I told her that she is rude and condescending, among other things, and I can honestly say that I handled myself in a manner of which I can be proud. I didnt buy into the gossipy bullshit that had been said, I didnt over dramatise the situation, I just told her how I felt without throwing any other person under the bus. I told her that I was sorry that I had backed her and supported her, and that if she couldnt fulfil the role properly then she should step down and give someone else the chance.

She has since resigned from her position on the P&C and roles have changed. We have a new president and Vice President and I really believe that as a group we can do great things for the school. We are planning and plotting already and I cant wait to get stuck in and start raising some money for this school.

I learnt from this experience though. I learnt that no matter what people think of me, or how I may have behaved in the past, I can handle myself with decorum and class, at least sometimes.

Seems appropriate....

I have been playing this album to death - Adele 21

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under hardest guise I see ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe
So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning ohh

I'm ba-ackkkkk!

Hey baby... missed me? If the answer there was yes, then I am sorry to say the feeling is not mutual. Where to start - so much has gone on in the last few months that I am not even sure where I was up to when I left off last. So forgive me if this post is a little jumpy, I will try my best to not let this end up like one of the 'Matrix' movies, coz that was just confusing and kinda shit me.

First, I feel the need to explain where the fuck I have been for the last 3 months. I am still not sure, so if you find me, let me know where I was? In the end, I am back because my mate (and only follower coz she is the only person I am brave enough to let see all this shit) said to me the other day 'you were coping a lot better when you were writing'. And fuck I hope its true. Sometimes it scares me that my mental health is something I will never stop questioning, never recover from having had that label, deserving of it or not. The most fucked bit of this post is that as I hear it in my head I am aware of the rambling... just another sign that my brain is not coping in its 'normal' way. Whatever the fuck that is.

So, an update on family life. The kids are still driving me nuts, and are still the most beautiful and amazing creatures on the planet. Little by little I am becoming more aware of what resilient little buggers they are. The kids went back to school, had swimming lessons, both had time off with a cold, they got nits... twice, and I managed to survive the term with only 1 nervous breakdown in the kids classrooms. It appears that my darling son has decided that school work sux, is boring, and is clearly not worth his time or effort. And he told the Vice Principal so when he was sent there for 'insolence and refusal to cooperate in a learning situation'. Whatever the fuck that means.

Curly had surgery. Again. The big one this time. Transabdominal Disc Replacement. It sounds fucking scary saying it out loud, and I am still having trouble getting my head around the fact that to fix his back, they had to cut open his front. Which means he now has another spot on his body that hurts. He is still at home with us, and will be for at least another few months by the look of things. The doctors have had him on so many drugs that withdrawal was going to be a problem no matter what happened. But when we had to see a different doctor the other day who said, and I quote 'I have never seen anyone on that much narcotic. Not in 25 years of general practice', I realised exactly how much trouble we were in. Makes me fucking sick actually, because I made it clear to the doctors that I had concerns about the amount of drugs he was being prescribed. And while I know that you cant just leave someone in pain... surely there was another fucking option. But what the fuck would I know?

I honestly feel like life has not stopped. I guess I didnt mention it coz I bailed out of this blogging lark before it happened, but I have joined the kids school P&C. As the secretary. And what the fuck have I done there?? I encouraged this sheila from school that she should take the position of president. Well she has been blowin smoke up her own ass since I met her about what an awesome job she has done on P&C committees. Turns out she is about as useless as tits on a bull. And I encouraged her to do this. She does nothing. NOTHING! So far the rest of us have picked up the pieces and made this work, but now she is feeling the need to assert her authority 'as president' and I dont know if the committee is big enough for the both of us. Actually come to think of it I dont know if it is big enough for her and anyone else at all! If only I had fucking known...

I am exhausted. If you managed to read all that rambling crap, I am sorry. I will try to be better. I dont know if anyone is reading this at all, except my one loyal follower *insert eye rolling here* but you were right again girl, I do feel better.

'Til next time...