Email from a friend

I got this in an email from a friend today -  what a great way to make memories on your wedding day. I am sure it is a wedding that will never be forgotten and is probably still talked about all the time.

http://www.parkwayreststop.com/archives/2937

And I was a little surprised at the end to realise I had tears in my eyes... Because whilst I am in a happy relationship, with a man whom I love beyond words, and whom I intend to spend the rest of my life with, I realise that we peobably will never marry. And that makes me just a little sad...

Anxious much??

Well, its friday, and Hubby will be having surgery, pretty much right at this minute if they are running to schedule... I am sooo nervous for him and feeling a little sick that I am not there with him. I know he was nervous and there is just so much going on. The meeting to organise his fathers funeral is happening this afternoon, so whilst he is in surgery, hos brothers are making all the decisions - which I guess would be making him feel pretty helpless too.

I just hope this surgery gives us some answers and put us on a path that we might be able to do something about finally getting this all sorted. He has been in pain for far too long... fingers are crossed!

2 days 'til surgery

and I am absolutely terrified for my DP. His father died last night, and combined with the funeral, well I dont know how much more he can handle. I am not strong enough to handle much for for him, I am trying really hard to hold it all together for him, and to keep everything here as normal and settled as I can, but it's impossible. I have no idea of what or how he is feeling and I wish that I could take away all the hurt he is going through.

I dont even know what to say here - but fate, kismet, destiny - whatever the hell you are out there, if you are listening, please ease up. Give him a break so he can at least deal with each thing properly, one at a time. Please.

Outta my control!

Well. I have spent most of today in tears. I feel like everything in my little world is out of my control - and I dont like that feeling. The stuff going on with my hubby's father has stirred up a lot of issues for him. This was going to be difficult enough without dredging all this stuff up now, so on top of being utterly terrified of the surgery, he is now way out there dealing with abandonment, and guilt, and sadness. None of which are very positive emotions to be helping him along. I just need everything to go smootly, just for a little while. Please?

Well its thursday!

Thursdays are a bit love/hate for me - thursday either means my hubby is coming home, or that he is flying out again. He was supposed to fly out again today, but yesterday afternoon we got word that his father is in hospital, and the doctors are saying he only has days to live.

Now, I dont want to sound heartless, but this man is nothing to me, or to my children for that matter. He has been no part of my hubby's life in the whole time I have known him, and hubby only remembers seeing him a few times when he was growing up. In fact, I have only met the man once, about 4 years ago when he was found passed out, so pissed that he had been unconscious in an alleyway for days. Now he is riddled with cancer and my poor hubby is stuck in a weird space, not knowing the man but feeling an obligation to this person who fathered him.

To be perfectly honest, what happens to this man means nothing to me right now, I am indifferent. Of course I dont wish him any suffering, but my greatest worry is how my hubby will cope with this. He has so much going on right now, with another surgery coming up, that seriously, there was no need for the extra emotional stress and strain.

Right now, I just hope that whatever it is that is bigger than us out there, will give us all strength to get through all of this. I really hope that my beautiful man can cope with all of this. Because he deserves for something to go right!

Just one of those days...

You know, when you shouldnt have even got outta bed? I had a drs appt, the girls got a haircut and I had to do some grocery shopping. Then get it all unpacked, then dinner with the mother-in-law. Its been a long one, and I think I am gonna curl up in bed and crash.

Thanks f*ck tomorrow is another day!

Love having my man home!

It's school holidays here so its all busy busy. I have my niece come and stay with us every holidays and here mum and dad came and stayed this weekend so, it has been non-stop! We went to the outdoor cinema on friday night and saw Diary of a Wimpy Kid, the kids loved it and had a ball. King's Park here in Perth sets the scene for a beautiful night out, although it was just a little chilly, after all the heat we have had!
Saturday was pretty cruisy and then today we headed out to the dam out near us for a BBQ but apparently so did everyone else, and among other little screw ups for the morning we could not get any parking, so turned around and came home again!
Now its back into the week, hoping to catch up with some friends and just have a relaxing week.
Fingers crossed the kidlets can behave and be good boy and girls!

'Til next time...

TFIT...

As in Thank F*ck Its Thursday.... That means my hubby comes home today. And I am so so so glad.

Life in turmoil

I write this post with a heavy heart. It has been a tough week here, and a really tough couple of weeks for any Australian. I feel like everywhere I turn there is devastation. On Xmas day a family here in my hometown lost everything when their home burnt to the ground. Just before Xmas, fire ripped through and people were evacuated from their homes, the damage was massive but luckily everyone remained safe. Now, parts of the beautiful country I live in are completely under water and families are watching their homes float away, and not so far up the road, fire has wreaked havoc and 10 families lost their homes to an arson, that took off through the bush with a temper that no one expected. 

What is this world coming to? One thing I can tell you about this world is that I have never been prouder to be an Australian. When other countries have been in strife Australia has stepped up and given aid and support, but there is nothing like fighting for the country you love and the people you belong too. Because at the moment, we are all family. Tragedy is making us stand together and that alone fills us all with the most amazing strength. I havent watched the news and shed a tear for someone that I know, or family that I cant get hold of, but I have cried and sobbed for the devastation these people are enduring. I can not imagine how they are feeling, and the fact that they have managed to stay strong amazes me. News footage of families standing on the roof of their home because the rest of the house is underwater - that is true courage.

And here I sit, in my soft dry bed, in my girly room with pink sheets, in the home that my babies sleep safely down the hall... and realise just how damn lucky I am. Tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow I will try harder, to be better, to be stronger, and to be thankful for all that I have.

Squishy little cheeks!

Pregnant women seem to be everywhere at the moment... perhaps there is something in the water?? There is something about a baby's tiny toes and squishy little cheeks that makes me gooey. I have 2 beautiful, incredible, loving, funny, adorable kidlets of my own and I love them beyond belief. I find myself constantly saying a little prayer that I want to be the best I can be for them, and being a mama is the most amazing role I have ever had the priviledge of filling. I dont always make the right choices, and I am constantly making mistakes and second guessing myself, but never for a moment does the love I feel for them ever falter. They are the reason I continue breathing and even though I would love to have another baby, I am so glad that I can remember their tiny fingers and toes, and squishy little cheeks... I still get gooey just thinking about them. My little boy is 8 years old and was telling me today about the girls he likes in his class, and I realised how quickly time is flying by. And I decided there and then, to just stop and enjoy them. Enjoy my babies, and every moment I have with them. Because I love them...

This big, finny scared, PADLOCK!

BLOGS are addictive!

I have only been writing here for a few days, but I have been stalking some blogs for over a year! I love looking at other people's lives and I am very thankful that people share so that others may learn and experience, through that tiny window into their lives. I dont really know what this blog will turn out to be, or if it will even turn out to be anything worthwhile reading, but I hope it does offer someone out there some entertainment. I dont sleep very well so I tend to blog snoop late at night and into the early hours of the morning, and there have been blogs that have made me laugh, some that have made me laugh, some I have learnt something... and a couple have left me completely puzzled, but all of them have kept me company in the long hours until the sun comes up. If I ever figure out how to manage this place, I will add a cool list so you can see the blogs I stalk regularly!

Dont hold your breath though okay??

I miss my hubby...

Sometimes I hate being the wife of a fly-in/fly-out fella. It is great that it gives us the chance to live a lifestyle that we would never be able to afford if we were both here working 9-5 jobs. And him working away means that I am able to be here for our kids, no matter what they need, anytime day and night. I didnt have that when I was a kid, my sis and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and whilst I know we would not have built the relationships we have with them if we hadnt spent that time, I do feel like it came at cost of a good relationship with my parents.
'Curlystash' (aka hubby) hurt his back at work over 9 months ago now, and the doctors still arent any closer to knowing exactly what is going on. He has had 2 surgeries already in the last 5 months and another one coming up soon, and it is horrible to not be able to help when he is in so much pain. He has just gone back to work after 3 weeks off, in which he took time off to spend christmas with us, and I am really, really missing him. I want my hubby...

By the way - 'Curlystash' is my daughter's new nickname for her daddy. He has had a shaved head pretty much all of his adult life, and is now no longer shaving his head at the moment, as he is doing the WORLDS GREATEST SHAVE 2011 - and he has a bit of a fro! His hair has grown really curly, and he wears a hat almost everywhere to try and contain the fro -' he stashed his curls, therefore he shall forever be known as Curlystash' she called out. Such an animated little brat!

'Til next time...

A Year in pictures...

I can honestly say I think there are about 20 photos of me in existance since the birth of my daughter. Not that there was a whole hell of a lot before she was born, but I seem to avoid the camera even more now. I dont remember the camera coming out very often while I was growing up, but I do remember that when it did, it generally came with the comment 'suck in that tummy and stand up straight'. That in itself is a lot of the reason I avoid the camera. I am unhappy with my weight and seem to be lost in a vortex in which I just have to look at a piece of chocolate and its entire caloric value is absorbed into my body through my eyeballs. It was never a good experience for me and I always, always felt completely out of place when looking at myself in a photo. On the odd occassion that there was a family photo taken, someone would go get them printed, and I would look on thinking - 'umm how did I get in there'.
Not a great shock really then that there are very few photos of my children as toddlers. Well perhaps very few is too harsh, I just feel that I have not taken anywhere near as many as other parents have taken of their treasured offspring. SO anyway, last year I met another mum from the kids school, and she is is into scrapbooking. Over coffee one day she showed me beautiful albums of her children and I was filled with regret. I dont have every beautiful, silly, incredible, messy, sad, hysterical moment captured to look back on forever. As time goes on, memories become a little more blurry, and I dont have the benefit of looking back at hundreds of pictures of all these memories. That makes me sad. I wish now that I had thought more about it, and that my parents had too. I wish that there were more pictures of my sis and I as little girls, playing and laughing. And now my parents are divorced, and I honestly can not remember the last time we were all in a picture together. Chances of those photos taking place now are restricted to weddings and the birth of babies etc.
I have decided though that it wont be that way for my kids. I am doing Becky Higgins, Project Life, which means taking a photo of something for every day of the year. FIngers crossed I can be that organised!
I still hate having my photo taken, but I am going to make more of an effort to record those memories for them, so that when they are older they can look back on those memories and laugh about their silly little games, and remember the times that we went to the park and blew bubbles all afternoon. And maybe one day I might see one of those photos and be able to look past the fat lady in them, and just see a happy mama, with her husband and her beautiful babies. I might even be able to look at those photos and not wonder how I got there, but just see that that is where I belong...

'Til next time

Hmmm I wanna be a blogger!

Okay, so my New Year's Resolution this year was to blog... And would you look at that, I am already 5, yes five! days late. Those who know me well know that this is not an uncommon occurrance!
There are so many incredible blogs out there, that I read on a regular basis, and I am inspired by these blogs. Dont get me wrong, the purpose of me blogging is not for entertainment for you, but more as a way to keep myself entertained. It's time I found some new things to fulfil this life, no longer will I just exist, I will live this life.
So, if by any chance you are the poor soul who has pressed that next button and landed here, I hope you might come back sometime when I have a little more to say, and perhaps be a little more entertaining. And please excuse the place being such a mess, I have no idea what I am doing here, or how to make the place all spunky and pretty - but hey, if its untidy here, it matches the house!

'Til next time...