The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Havent been here in a while and promised last time I would do better, but I just dont seem to have it in me. I feel like this is somewhere I come when I feel most alone. And that isnt fair, so I think blogging is not the thing for me. I guess I thought that somewhere in another country (or planet even) someone might give a damn about anything that I say, that someone might find my rants intelligent, or entertaining even. But in all honesty I dont even have anything that I find intelligent or entertaining. I have a few blogs that I follow and I check back all the time to see if the next post has been put up, hanging out to see what the next witty line will be, or the next topic to peak my curiosity, and this blog doesnt do that for me, let alone anyone else. I am outta here folks... this post is just to inform anyone who did read, or may stumble across this from now, or my beautiful friends who make up my 2 followers - that it has been a pleasure to share the insanity for a few entries...

So I bid you adieu, and to you and to you!

Because I have no balls...

Dear T,

I am doing this here because I need to get this off my chest, but I just dont have any nice way to put what I have to say, nor would I ever want to hurt you, and I know that the things I am about to say would hurt. I have tried in the past, a couple of times now, but I am starting to think we speak different sorts of english.

You are an 'I' person. Everything revolves around you. Or so you would like to think. You are cheap and nasty. You flirt with other people's husbands and you seem to have an unrealistically high opinion of yourself. You never say sorry, never apologise, even when you are in the wrong. You are disloyal. You are rude and have incredibly poor etiquette, both online and in real life social situations. You have a chip on your shoulder. Your sense of entitlement astounds me. You seem to be completely oblivious that you irritate most of the people you come in contact with (at least the people we know mutually). You take no responsibilty for how your actions may affect other people, and you seem to believe that if you say or do something that upsets someone else - that is their problem. You are condescending. You embarass your children and dont hestitate to call them out on behaviour that you exhibit yourself. You just dont seem to get the message that I am not your friend, I tolerate you because your kids and mine go to the same school, therefore I will have to see you approximately 212 days of this year.

Sometimes I wish I could be an 'I' person. Then I come in contact with you again, and realise that you make me tense and anxious. And I dont like to think that I could make someone feel like that.

Ahh Natalie Portman... disappointed!

Well this weekend I watched Natalie Portman in her latest award winning role, and seriously, I gotta tell ya - she was fantastic but the movie was CRAP! Complete and utter bullshit. Okay I get that the movie delves into the big taboo that is mental illness, exploring a topic that many people just cant bring themselves to discuss, but shit, really people - I am not dumb and at the end of this one, I exhaled and let out a big loud WTF. So frikin confused! The whole movie was a mess of her playing the quiet doe-eyed dancer girl who would do anything to be perfect, and her 'pleasuring herself' or hallucinating about lesbian encounters.

If you went and asked any male on the street "Have you seen 'Black Swan' with that Natalie Portman sheila", the response would be "Yeh my mrs made me watch it. Did you see that bit where the girl went down on her... phwaor!"

Definitely something to be proud of Nat. Cant wait to see you you redeem yourself for that one on SNL. Will probably be better than the movie was!

Do you censor yourself??

I was just thinking 'I should blog about such n such' but reconsidered because a) I know who is reading this b) I know what the people reading this think about this and c) what is the point in writing about such n such if they already know what I think, and I already know what I think.

Then I thought about how often I rephrase what I say, or simply choose not to say, just because it may bother someone else.

Ah blah blah blah blah.......................

Just Breathe

Honestly, the anxiety is so bad at the moment, that sometimes I am surprised I wake up in the morning. That sounds ridiculous, or looks ridiculous. Whatever. I see that its stupid, but I cant control it.

I just looked at pictures of my mother's wedding. There are only a few of me. Thank fuck for that. After looking at those pictures I have never despised myself more. I avoided pictures of myself with my mother on her wedding day because I just cant stand to look at myself. There will never be any real proof that I shared that day with her, because I am ashamed of myself. Of how I look and who I am. And the pressure that comes with ever changing how I look, or being someone better... is overwhelming.

A friend's son has leukemia, and the more I hear, the less I cope. I cant imagine how she is coping, let alone what the situation and the disease are doing to him. And I am scared for them. And sad. I am being positive - but the world as I know it will change if he isnt okay at the end of all this.

Doctors visit

Went into town today because I had to take the girl child to to doctors. She has had this pain in her side on and off for months now, every now and then she will let me know she is hurting, and sometimes it goes on for days, then we dont hear anything about it for a week. Anyway, she has complained a couple times now and I have given her panadol a couple days running, so I figured it was time we look into it.

I have mentioned it to the dr before but today we had to see a different doctor - seems hard to see the same dr twice in this town. We have to monitor her pain over the next fortnight, and if there are more than 5 days where she mentions pain, she has to have an abdominal ultrasound. He said these aches and pains are common in kids around this age and that sometimes it is just a stress reaction. And I instantly felt like a terrible mother. Fuck knows there has been stress around here this last year or so, so maybe thats it. But I still dont want to think that my little girl is stressed. At 7 years of age. She is far too young to be stressed.

So I am going to go play a game of uno with my girl, and hope that she is better soon. I wish I knew all the answers, but in the meantime, just gotta bluff my way through and pray I dont screw them up!

FUUUUCCCCKKKKKK

I am a fuck up of the highest order sometimes... dont know how I continue to breathe!